Pastor Welcomes Birth of 2nd Sermon Illustration - Lark News

As with their first daughter Lauren, whatever Allie does or says will now provide a rich resource for Parker’s ministry.

Pastor Darren Parker of Covenant Church welcomed his second sermon illustration on Thursday, a baby girl named Allie May who weighed 8 lbs. 1 oz. and promises to provide years of funny anecdotes for her father’s weekly messages.

“I am so overjoyed at little Allie May’s arrival and can’t wait to use every detail of her life in stories I tell from the pulpit,” says Parker sitting next to his wife’s bed. “What an awesome privilege.”

As with their first daughter Lauren, whatever Allie does or says will now provide a rich resource for Parker’s ministry. The Parkers even chose the name “Allie May” because it flows so well off the tongue.

Parker often brings along a scratch pad to take notes on each of his children’s actions and utterances which might support a point in his messages. He then delves into the meaning of even the most minute word or gesture. Recently, while out to ice cream with Lauren, Parker jotted extensive observations about her decision-making.

“She was conflicted about ordering orange sherbet or rocky road, and she stood there pondering the choice for quite some time,” he says. “In the end she chose rocky road not for the flavor but because there’s ‘more stuff in it.’ What a powerful lesson for all of us.”

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How To Write A Worship Song In 5 Minutes Or Less - from The Blimey Cow

Christian Tingle - Tripp and Tyler

A long overdue satire of Christian Mingle

Church Growth Conference Helps Pastors Feel Like Miserable Failures - Lark News

“If I want to be this depressed again, I’ll rent Apocalypse Now, or read my e-mails,” quipped one. 

The “Bigger Church, Bigger Impact” conference wrapped on Friday, leaving participants feeling drained and dejected.

“I came here thinking my church was doing all right. Now I see we’re so dinky and dumb, it’s not even funny,” says pastor Steve Irvine of Reno, Nev., who went to his hotel room and cried after each session.

Several faith-filled conference speakers shared how they grew their churches to tens of thousands of members with various ministry techniques. In the foyer afterward, many participants wore tight grins. Some broke down on the spot.  After paying $400 to attend the conference, pastor Ryan Delacourt of Eugene, Ore., left feeling “about three tons worse” than when he came.

“I don’t know why I go to these things,” he says, noting that his church has been trying to break the 100-member mark for twelve years.  After the conference some pastors hit the local Cracker Barrel restaurant to commiserate. Some vowed not to return.

“If I want to be this depressed again, I’ll rent Apocalypse Now, or read my e-mails,” quipped one.

The full article is available here

Smells of Palestine enhance church Christmas drama - Lark News

In addition to heartwarming smells like warm bread over a wood fire, the kit includes scents for unwashed feet, donkey dung, rotting fish and unusually bad body odor.

Last year, First Christian Church brought in live donkeys to wow the audience at its annual Christmas drama. This year, they’re adding “scented sensations which bring the Holy Land to life.”

In short, their presentation is going to stink.

With a slew of Christmas presentations vying for local audiences this year, churches are embracing far-out measures to enliven December dramas.

This season’s fad is Smells of Palestine, a “sensory kit” sold by The Ol’ Factory Worship Experience, a Dallas company. The kit pumps “authentic smells” into the sanctuary during re-enactments of the Christmas story.

“It works like a fog machine,” says a company representative. “Heated oils send evocative odors wafting over the congregation.”

Evocative, but not always pleasing. In addition to heartwarming smells like warm bread over a wood fire, the kit includes scents for unwashed feet, donkey dung, rotting fish and unusually bad body odor.

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Passé Light Rock Bands Resurrected As Christian Acts - Lark News

“Our songs still have life in them. So you tweak a few lyrics, memorize some scriptures, get yourself a testimony, and viola, you’ve got a fan base again.”

In a victory for nostalgia and Christian Contemporary Music, light rock acts of yesteryear are finding new life in church venues.

“We wanted to keep playing,” says Air Supply's Graham Russell, one of the band’s longtime leaders. “Our songs still have life in them. So you tweak a few lyrics, memorize some scriptures, get yourself a testimony, and viola, you’ve got a fan base again.”

For years, bands like Air Supply and REO Speedwagon plied the county fair circuit, playing old hits and trying to pump up dwindling audiences. But as competition for county fair slots increases, and older bands fade further into the past, more are finding success playing churches, youth conventions, even acoustic sets at prayer gatherings.

Lighting and sound can be iffy, but bands use their arena-rock skills to keep the energy level up, kicking their legs into the air, jumping around the platform, clutching their hearts during ballads.

“You haven’t seen an altar call until you’ve seen it to REO Speedwagon’s ‘I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore,’” says Sam Durabian, 25, youth pastor at Second Baptist church in Boise, which hosted the band last year.

Bands have experienced a “church bounce” as album sales creep up the back-catalog charts. And with more bands re-uniting to exploit the trend, marketspace is getting squeezed.

“We tried to book a Presbyterian church in Buffalo for Fourth of July, but they’d already booked Mr. Mister,” says Air Supply’s Russell “I guess the secret is out.”

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Church Transforms Into Coffee Chain - Lark News

People in the surrounding neighborhoods say they are far more likely to stop by now.

Connection Metro Church, which used its foyer coffee bars to attract visitors to its eight satellite churches in the Denver area, has decided to abandon ministry altogether to focus on coffee.

“People liked the coffee a lot better than the ministry, according to congregational surveys, so we’re practicing what we preached and focusing on our strengths,” says former teaching Pastor and now chief marketing officer, Peter Brown.

Many in the congregation seem downright relieved.

“The sermons were okay, but the vanilla frappes were dynamite,” says one woman who regularly attended the church for two years so she could enjoy the special brews. “I even brought my Jewish neighbors and they loved them.”

People in the surrounding neighborhoods say they are far more likely to stop by now.

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Man starts church for jerks - Lark News

Two years ago, Hanson noticed a “growing population of total jerks” in his community that nobody was reaching with the gospel.

Walk into Mark Hanson’s church and nobody will greet you. The guys hanging around the foyer might even make fun of what you’re wearing, or your haircut. A sign over the entrance reads, “Grab a seat in the back and shut up. Nobody cares what you think.”

Welcome to Jerk Church.

“You know these guys,” says Hanson, the pastor and founder. “They sit with their arms folded the whole time, leave during the altar call, criticize the pastor, snort when other people state their opinions and never create lasting bonds of friendship. Their wives are always really stressed. Bingo — that’s my mission field.”

Two years ago, Hanson noticed a “growing population of total jerks” in his community that nobody was reaching with the gospel.

“They’re like white noise, filler — they’re everywhere but nobody sees them,” Hanson says. “They are trapped in their own jerk-dom. My heart went out to them.”

Hanson left a position at a larger church to plant a church aimed at this population. He played around with names like “Church for Guys,” but ended up going straight to the heart of the matter.

The full article is available here